Can't Afford To Miss
by Psycho Goddess
Summary: What would a shipper write about? Max must learn what love really means when she is faced by a difficult dilemma... **I'm back to writing it**The chapters are short, I don't have time to make long ones, so don't be intimidated the number**
1. Poison

Legal Disclaimer: I don't own anything in my story, despite my delusions 

Legal Disclaimer: I don't own anything in my story, despite my delusions 

Disclaimer: this was done in five minutes and in no way reflects my writing abilities. It's pointless fluff that should be forgotten immediately, but please read it anyway. Basically, it's Max's reflection of the virus. 

I sit on the Space Needle, thinking. The warm breeze brushes through my hair, but I hardly notice, I'm so engrossed by my thoughts. 

It's been 3 months since my escape. When I was in Manticore, all I wanted to do was escape. Now all I want to do is go back. Those b@stards destroyed the only thing that kept me going: Logan. He's still here, but I can't touch him, can hardly look at him without wanting to die. The physiology of touch was something I had always taken for granted. Now that it's gone, I wish I had appreciated it more. All those times our hands brushed at dinner, the way he showed me he was there when times got tough, gone. Everything that meant something to me was destroyed by the implantation of a virus. 

Poison. I've been thinking about that word a lot lately. It's what I am. I can see it in the mirror. Logan tries to tell me that we'll beat it, but I know better. Even if there was a cure, it would be something else. I'm bad news. Think of all the people that I was responsible for that died. Tinga- I let down her little boy, Case. I promised to bring back his mommy and failed miserably. Ben-why? Why did he have to go wrong? He was always the creative one, could always find a solution. I don't even want to think about Zack. My big brother, dead to save me, despite the fact he hated what I had done with my life. 

I don't go to Logan's much any more. It was so gradual, I didn't even notice at first. Instead off going to the penthouse for an assignment, I'd just phone unless it was highly classified. I think Logan thinks that it's because I'm seeing someone else, but it's not. There could be nobody else after him. I try to get through each day by looking forward, never back, but it's hard. I have to though. If I look back I'll realize what I've lost, and that's something I can't afford to do. I have to breath in and breath out, putting one foot in front of the other. People say I've changed. I just smile and nod my head, wishing I was anyone or anywhere else, but I'm not. The little bit of soldier in me was destroyed when I lost him. There is nothing worth the pain anymore. 

I sigh and brush off my pants. I have to leave now, I promised to drop by the Crash tonight for Original Cindy's birthday party. She understands I won't stay long, I never do, but I want to put in an appearance. I won't look back because I may see something I can't afford to miss. 

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	2. Family

**Earlier that day**  
  
"You know Logan, you say you love her, but you let her go without a fight", exclaimed Bling heatedly. "All day, every day, it's Max this and Max that. How Max is gone, despite your attempts to hold her. The problem is, you didn't try! You gave up searching, just because you hit a few dead ends."  
  
I can't believe it. I'm not the one responsible for losing the one person who taught me what real strength was. I didn't plant the virus, and I wasn't the one who pulled away. I guess the thing I'm really furious about is the fact that Bling is right. Nobody could ever approach what Max means to me, but there were times I wish we had never met. Then I wouldn't have had to feel this pain every second I breathed, this ache nothing but her love could heal. But she was gone in spirit, if not in body. She hasn't been over in 6 days and, I check my watch, 7 hours. It's funny, when love is unrequited, how aware you are of time. Every moment not spent with her feels like centuries, because I know she won't be there the next one either.  
  
"What do you expect me to do? Wave my arms around and magically find the answers for everything. Yeah, that's gonna work." My voice drips with sarcasm. "She's scared of me, of what she knows she can do to me. She doesn't know that not seeing her is killing me."  
  
"Then tell her. It would be better than you sitting around moping. Then again, anything would be better than how you've been lately."  
  
Maybe Bling has a point. Maybe if I talk to her, make her understand.who am I kidding. Even if she was willing to listen, there's no way she'll realize how important she is to me, how precious. She'll be the good little soldier, even if she won't admit it. You can take a girl out of Manticore, but you can't take Manticore out of the girl, I guess.  
  
"Logan, don't even think about it. That girl's crazy for you. At least talk to her. If you do, and she says no, you'll know how she feels. If you don't, you'll always wonder, doubting yourself, asking if you had done something different if she'd be here now."  
  
" If I talk to her, will you get off my back? You know it's pointless, but you won't shut up till I do, right?"  
  
"A simple conversation is all I'm asking for."  
  
I sigh, accepting my fate. I dial her number. "Hey Cindy, Max there?" 


	3. Learning To Live Again

I pull up to the Crash, gently turning the ignition off. I take a deep breath, reminding myself while I'm there. She's your best friend Max. When most people would have fled in terror, Original Cindy's stayed by your side. Just go in, say hi, maybe even have a drink or two. You can't spend your life wallowing in the past.  
  
Loud music greets me as I enter the club. I spot the gang at a couple of the far tables. Alec's there too. In a way, I've almost forgiven him for what he did to me. I can never forget, the way I know, deep down, I could never love anyone but Logan, but he was only doing his job. He spent his entire life there. Manticore haunts even me, and I've been outside for years.  
  
"Hey there hot stuff."  
  
My way is impeded by an obviously drunk biker, looking for a quick roll in the hay. Before I notice what I'm doing, I respond. "Hey yourself." Flirtious. God, what am I doing? I hate myself, but don't stop. There is no way that guy is going home with me, but tonight I will have fun, for Logan's sake more than my own. "C'mon. It's my friend's birthday today. Wanna come celebrate?" We make our way to my crowd.  
  
"Ciao my sistah"  
  
"Max. Where have you been? I was worried something happened to my homegirl."  
  
"I told you I was coming. Don't be so paranoid. If something happened, I would've called. I had some stuff to work out."  
  
"Wheels?"  
  
"My baby. I swear there something wrong with the engine." I can tell OC sees through my alibi, but she knows not to prod.  
  
"He called today. Said he needed a favor. If you ask me, the boy just wanted to hear your voice." I don't even bother asking who she's talking about. That topic is not something I really want to get into right now.  
  
"Yeah right. Probably just wanted me to run an errand that Asha couldn't. You know, that girl could give him everything he needs."  
  
"Yet he's still obsessed with you," piped up a voice behind me.  
  
I turn. As I spy the speaker, my blood runs cold. "Lydecker." My obvious distaste for the man is conveyed by the dull sense of recognition in my voice.  
  
"Shame on you Max. Returning to Seattle. I thought I trained my kids better. Foolish sentimentality. It's gonna get you hurt."  
  
"You're one to talk." I say bitterly.  
  
"Am I missing something? I thought I was an ally."  
  
I snort at the thought. "You remind me of someone I used to know." I mimic, thinking back to the night at the Top Hat. "Inspired by your wife, I believe you said. How could I ever see you as an ally? You were going to kill me."  
  
"I wanted to protect you."  
  
"What are you doing in Seattle?" I ask, changing the subject. "This is my place, you have no right to be here."  
  
"Business."  
  
I hate the way he says it, airily, as if he didn't wake up at night with thoughts of Manticore pounding through his mind. People are beginning to crowd around us, trying to figure out what is happening. "Leave." My voice is cold, the voice of a fighter. Don't let him see you cry Maxie, says a voice in the back of my mind. It sounds suspiciously like Zack. Soldiers never cry. The thought stops me. It's my voice, but I'm not the soldier they wanted me to be. I couldn't even fight to be with the one I loved. Yet I know the voice is right.  
  
"Now, why would I do that?" He's mocking me, trying to draw me out.  
  
"Because if you don't you'll have two x5s ready to kill you." Alec murmurs the words into Lydecker's ear. "x5-494, trained assassin."  
  
"Now I suggest you leave." He says, loudly enough for everyone to hear.  
  
"I see you've made friends Max. Let's hope they care enough about you to remember you when you're gone."  
  
Before I realize what's happening, Alec has Lydecker pinned to the wall. "Never threaten my sister. Do it again, and they'll be fishing your body out of the water. You never scared me the way you scared the others. You're not God, despite your attempts. Complete your work and get out of Seattle tonight, or there won't be enough of you do carry out in a pine box. Are we clear?.  
  
It took awhile to convince people that nothing out of the ordinary had happened. I make up a story about Lydecker being our father figure growing up, and that there was bad blood between us. Some people don't look convinced, but they don't challenge the story. Looks like the Blue Lady was on my side today.  
  
When I asked Alec why he stuck up for me, he just sorta smiled and said that nobody touches his family. Nice to see he finally has a sense of responsibility. "Max, you've forgiven me for things I wouldn't forgive myself for. Besides, Deck always took a special interest in your unit, so it's understandable you're a little precautious when it concerns him."  
  
"Looks like I missed something. Hopefully nothing too interesting." Comments a voice behind me. What is it, Sneak Up On Max Day? I whirl, bracing myself for another confrontation. I relax when I see who it is. "Logan. Hey. Lydecker showed up here, got on my case about living in Seattle. Alec took care of it."  
  
"Alec? Wait a minute. Deck came here?" puzzlement crosses his face.  
  
"You knew he was in Seattle?"  
  
"Business. I heard. You aren't the only one with connections."  
  
"Can we talk? It's really important." I want to say no, but one look into his eyes and I can't resist "It better be good," I warn. We head to a far table.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I really don't know how to say this. I had this whole speech planned out, and I honestly can't remember a word of it. Have you ever done something you've regretted?"  
  
" Logan. I go into heat three times a year. What kind of question is that?"  
  
Same old Max. Always the wit. "Seriously. Have you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
I'm surprised it was so easy. Max never was one for revealing her weaknesses. Apparently emotions weren't something Manticore taught its kids, but I've accepted the fact. I suppose this isn't the best place to have this conversation, but she's here and we will.  
  
"The only thing truly regret is giving up on love, Max. I met this incredible woman who was more than I could dream of; intelligent, charming, caring and kind, and I gave her up without a fight. I regret it everyday, with every fiber of my being. All I really want is to have one more second chance. I've screwed it up so many times, denied how I felt. It cost me the one thing I valued most-"  
  
"Your Bast statue?"  
  
Her interruption annoys me, until I see the glimmer of tears in her eyes. She knows what I'm doing, and it's making her cry. The thought is incredulous. Max doesn't cry, she always thinks she's so strong, the image of perfection. I press on, knowing, deep in my heart I'm hurting her, driving her away forever, but I have to know. I'm angry. How could she just give up on me, on us? "You Max. Out of all the stupid things I've done, letting you go has got to be my biggest mistake."  
  
"Falling in love with me was your biggest mistake Logan. I'm dangerous. You don't deserve the $hit I put you through, you're better than that. The good guy, Seattle's voice of truth."  
  
"Okay, so maybe I didn't have black helicopter dudes on my tail, but I also didn't have you."  
  
"Wouldn't that be better? Not knowing me. You would have been better off not knowing who I was, what I am"  
  
  
  
"     No, no, go not to Lethe, neither twist  
  
        Wolf's-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;  
  
    Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kiss'd  
  
        By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;  
  
            Make not your rosary of yew-berries,  
  
        Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be  
  
            Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl  
  
    A partner in your sorrow's mysteries;  
  
        For shade to shade will come too drowsily,  
  
          And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.  
  
  But when the melancholy fit shall fall  
  
      Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,  
  
  That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,  
  
      And hides the green hill in an April shroud;  
  
  Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,  
  
      Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,  
  
          Or on the wealth of globed peonies;  
  
  Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,  
  
      Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,  
  
          And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.  
  
  She dwells with Beauty--Beauty that must die;  
  
      And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips  
  
  Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,  
  
      Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips:  
  
  Ay, in the very temple of Delight  
  
      Veil'd Melancholy has her sovran shrine,  
  
          Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue  
  
      Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine;  
  
  His soul shalt taste the sadness of her might,  
  
          And be among her cloudy trophies hung.  
  
Ode on Melancholy. John Keats. 1819. Don't you see Max? The only way to appreciate happiness is to see the other side. Sure, before I met you, my life wasn't AS dangerous or filled with pain, but I wasn't truly happy. It was impossible, because my life, being so sheltered, had never realized the depth pain could go."  
  
"What do you want from me?" Her tone is pain-filled, suffering for what I was doing.  
  
"A sign of hope. Just one little indication that you are willing to work on us. I don't know if I could live with myself if you said no."  
  
"You'll have to." Max's voice is barely audible. "How can we be together if we can't even-" she catches her rising voice, and lowers it, "how can we be together if we can't even touch? Care to explain that to me?"  
  
"There are other ways to love somebody." My answer is simple.  
  
"No Logan. I can't."  
  
I accept her decision. I wasn't honestly expecting anything else. I get up to leave, nodding to Alec, who has been watching us the entire time. As I walk out, I wonder if Max's answer would have been different if I had told her why Lydecker was in Seattle.  
  
  
  
A/N: do you like my story? I really want reviews, or I won't post the next chapter and y'all be wondering why/how Logan knows what good ole Lyducky is doing in Seattle. 


	4. Reality

Okay, ppl are actually reading this now, so maybe I'll write more :D anyways, here's the next installation, and WARNING to everyone who likes it b/c it's realistic. don't read this. Go straight to therapy.sorry, I'm in a sarcastic mood and this is fun *starts bouncing off the walls. literally*  
  
Oh yeah, the song is Iris by the GooGoo Dolls, and it's not mine. (  
  
  
  
  
  
"What was that about?"  
  
"Nothing that concerns you Alec." My tone is neutral, not indicating my inner turmoil. I guess Manticore taught us that much at least. "Just business. Don't be so paranoid." I smirk, thinking about how much Alec has begun to remind me of Zack. An odd thought, considering the circumstances, but not unrealistic. He's been protective of his little sister, although nowhere near as extreme.  
  
"Hey Boo, what did Wheels want?"  
  
"A haircut."  
  
Original Cindy sniggers. "Right. Original Cindy's got herself a nice little birthday present. You coming home tonight? 'Cuz ya know I got your back covered."  
  
"Don't worry about it. You go have fun, I'll stay a bit longer, then crash at Joshua's. I owe you for covering my @ss."  
  
She leaves, Alec not that far behind. Looks like the only one without a mate tonight is me. The biker practically flew out of here after that disagreement with Lydecker. Can't really blame him either. That's fine with me though. In my mood, human contact is the last thing I need. I sit at the bar, downing pitcher after pitcher of beer. The conversation runs through my head. Right Max, you don't want to be with Logan. It also never rains in Seattle. I decide to have one more drink, then leave. Even x5s have a limit. Suddenly, a pre-Pulse song comes on.. The first line catches my attention.  
  
And I'd give up forever to touch you  
  
I continue to listen, and I get this feeling that this song was meant for me.  
  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
  
And I don't want to go home right now  
  
And all I can taste is this moment  
  
And all I can breathe is your life  
  
'Cause sooner or later it's over  
  
I just don't want to miss you tonight  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
  
When everything feels like the movies  
  
And you bleed just to know you're alive  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
  
  
Tears grapple at my throat. I know what I must do. 


	5. Rain

Well, I must say, the comments for the last part were extremely encouraging. I thank the Blue Lady for whoever wrote that song. Too bad the next part won't be up to the same standards. Yes, I realize that my chapters are shorter then most, but it's not that bad, is it? This is shorter than my other ones, only 203 words long!!! So it's not really a chapter as much as a filler..  
  
Max, I warn myself, this is stupid. You're not thinking clearly. Go to Joshua's, sleep this off. Things will be clearer in the morning. I never was one to listen to logic. Which is exactly why I'm in this predicament in the first place. Great. Now is not exactly the best time for me to be arguing with myself. I'm heading towards the exit when Rafer walks in.  
  
"Hey Max. Didja ever figure that thing out with your boyfriend? Cuz seriously, if you're ever looking."  
  
"Rafer," some primal urge drives me towards him. I stop in my tracks though. Something about his expression evokes painful memories. Instead of his face, I see Logan. The night we met. I have to say, he's the only person I know that was relieved to have a thief in his hose. His cousin's wedding, and the next morning. The second night of our "anniversary", when he forgave me for what I could not forgive myself. The night Zack and I led our siblings into an assault on Manticore, when all he wanted was for me to come back.  
  
I brush past Rafer, muttering some excuse. As I step outside, rain and salty tears mingle on my cheeks. 


	6. The Visit

Okay, I swear this story isn't going to be smut *not yet anyways*, but I write long stories, and this helps set up what's coming. please R/R, it's the only way I'll post more. Enjoy this chapter :D  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I watch him as the moonlight filters into the room. Listen to me, I sound like some kind of poet. He stirs, as if sensing my presence and reaches his arm out beside him. Obviously he's not looking for me. He moans and opens his eyes. "Max."  
  
It's amazing how the sound of my name makes me go weak in the knees. Girl, you got it bad, pipes up that annoying voice in the back of my head.  
  
"What are you doing here? What could have possibly changed your mind? Assuming you have." he trails off, leaving so many questions unvoiced.  
  
Emotion threatens to choke me. "Two things. I was sitting there, just wondering how I could go on without you when I realized I couldn't. Even after the v.v. IT came up, the one thing I thought I could always count on was you. You kept me safe and you've kept me warm. I ruined our friendship by being so blind and stupid. What you said about other ways. did you mean it?"  
  
"How could I not? You are the best thing about my life, you've given me hope when I was lost."  
  
I nearly stumble over my words. "Could. could you teach me?"  
  
********************************  
  
I rouse from my peaceful slumber and reach for her, despite the fact I know she won't be there, she never is. I don't know why I do this, she was never there to begin with, but some part of me wants to believe that it's all a bad dream. Every night this happens, and every night my hopes are dashed. It began the first time I slept after THAT NIGHT. That's what I call it, hoping that by being vague it becomes less real.  
  
I open my eyes, as if to assure myself that she is not just out of reach. To my surprise, I see an angel at the foot of my bed. "Max." I acknowledge. "What are you doing here? What could have possibly changed your mind? Assuming you have." my words sound alien to my ears. Who really cares what changed her mind? She's here with me and that's all that matters.  
  
I listen as she tearfully explains her presence. "Could.could you teach me?"  
  
For an instant, I think about how ridiculous she sounds. The comment seems out of place, but for a fleeting moment I can see the scared child underneath the cool demeanor of the woman in front of me. I pull myself up. "Come here."  
  
She sits on the edge of the bed, regarding me apprehensively. I finally get a good look at her face, and she looks like $hit, yet still beautiful. Obviously what she really needs is sleep. I suddenly realize that a temporary solution has been there from the beginning. I haul my body so I'm facing her.  
  
"Do you trust me?" I know her answer, it's apparent by her visit, but I must make her realize that before I tell her.  
  
"Of course. You shouldn't even ask."  
  
I pull the top blanket off and draw it around her, covering her entire body so nothing but her face was revealed. I gently bring in her head so it rests on my shoulder.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"It's okay, I'm not touching you. The comforter prevents it. Sleep, we'll discuss this in the morning."  
  
We lay down, her body parallel to mine, my arm wrapped around her waist.. Holding her in my arms now is so different than the last time, six months ago, when I thought I had lost her forever. Watching the life drain away from her as she cried, apologizing, never realizing I was the one who needed to be sorry. And I was, every day after, blaming myself. Curiosity prompts me to ask. "Max? What was the second thing?"  
  
"It rained." 


	7. Awake and Dreaming

Here's the next part, hopefully it'll work, but my computer is being stubborn as usual. I've said it before, everything will make sense in the end, but it might take a while. This is for all the people who have reviewed my story and Shadowcat because she's worse off then I am (her computer fried)...  
  
  
  
I don't know what I did to deserve this, the knowledge that no matter what happens, someone out there cares what happens to me. After years of hiding what I am, someone manages to look past it and fall in love with me, the loathsome soldier. Sleep comes easy wrapped in his embrace. Nothing could ruin this.  
  
"Get up soldier." A harsh voice barks. "Hope you had a good rest. We have a surprise for you. Thought you'd like to see it."  
  
I open my eyes to find Renfro starring down at me. It must be big, if she's coming for me. Usually it's one of her men that comes in. "Get up!" she throws fatigues at me. "I expect you on the field in five minutes."  
  
I yank the military garb on. I guess this is punishment for that stupid exploit we pulled. Mission. Duty. Discipline. The words are scrawled over the walls, an effort at subliminal brainwashing. Not Manticore's usual techniques, but Lydecker isn't running the show anymore.  
  
The day's cold, but the wintry wind is nothing compared to the anguish I feel inside. I thought we were capable of taking down Hell, and now I find myself living there, day after day, realizing what it was I could have had if I had just listened to my heart.  
  
"452. I have a proposition for you. You do something for us and we just might let you have a little fun."  
  
"What could you possibly have that I would want?"  
  
"How about a friend of yours? I believe you know Eyes Only."  
  
My attention is drawn to the figure at the end of the "field". It's a strip of land, half a mile in length, that is used for training purposes. I honestly don't think that a solitary person has gotten through the entire thing. Some of the units have, barely. Even with my sight, I can barely make out the figure. A sick feeling rises in my throat. It can't be. They couldn't find him.  
  
"Get through the combat zone and you might have time to save him. That's the first task. We'll let him go as soon as you retrieve a disk for us. Very simple really."  
  
"Why would I believe you?"  
  
"You don't really have a choice. This way gives him a chance."  
  
"You're a sadistic bitch, you know that?"  
  
"I took over Lydecker's job. Who were you expecting? The goddamn toothfairy?"  
  
"No, but he looks like Santa and the Easter Bunny rolled into one next to you."  
  
"You'll follow orders exactly or he dies instantly. Any change and he'll pay for your mistakes. You wouldn't want his blood on your hands, do you?"  
  
I can't let her get to me. If I want to save Logan I'll have to be smart. Keep my head in the game. "Piece of cake. Like stealing candy from a baby."  
  
"Careful you don't get cavities."  
  
"Like you said, you're not the toothfairy."  
  
"You'll run all the regular courses, but I've released the x7s into the game. You are to shoot on sight."  
  
This is too easy, even with my aversion of firearms. What isn't she telling me? I don't have time to ponder the question when she hands me a small handgun and pushes me.  
  
"Go. Time's wasting."  
  
I don't have a choice. I'll run, jump, swim, whatever's necessary. My lungs are burning, but I won't stop. Logan is not going to die because I was stupid. I don't even bother thinking. This is just another Eyes Only assignment.  
  
I'm approaching a heavily wooded section, just off the main course. The terrain is familiar, and I'm taken back to the day that I found Ben. The pain of the knowledge of what my brother still threatens to consume me at times. I'm so distracted with my memories I don't see her immediately. Eva. No not Eva. It can't be Eva. She's gone. X7-766 then. "Shoot on sight." Renfro's words echo in my head. I do, persuading myself that it's the right thing.  
  
"Max." She said as she fell. Not again, God, not again. It's not Eva, I remind myself. Renfro's trying to get to you. Sadistic isn't a strong enough word to describe her. Keep the objective in mind Max, I instruct myself. Save Logan and find a way to beat the bitch. That's all that matters right now. Think later.  
  
I run on, and after an eternity I reach him. He hasn't changed, he's still Logan, the guy who cooks me dinner and stays by my side. He look so happy to see me, as if I'm the only good thing he's witnessed in years. What have they done to him?  
  
"Logan, I'm here. I'm so sorry, I . I thought we could do it. I didn't think they'd hurt you. How could I? I love you. Please tell me you're okay. God, you're alright. I don't know what I would do if you weren't."  
  
"I love you Max." I scarcely hear him he's so quiet. His head rolls onto his shoulder. He's dead. 


	8. The Morning Mourning

The chapter title is a play on words of sorts, just so y'all don't think I'm a complete fool. even if I am.  
  
This *very short* installment goes out to MLSS for coming over here and reading my story. Also to Carolyn and MLSS for figuring out it's a dream. You'd be surprised of the number of people who haven't clued in.  
  
  
  
I'm wake up to the sound of the phone. I glance at the clock. It's after nine. Max is still asleep.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Hey Logan," Original Cindy's voice comes through the receiver. "I don't mean to worry you or anything, but have you seen Max? She was acting really weird last night and I can't get a hold of her. She told me that she'd stay at Joshua's, but he said she didn't even stop by. It's not like her to skip out without telling anyone."  
  
"Actually, it's exactly like her. She's fine."  
  
"Right, and I'm in love with Sketchy. I won't believe you until I speak with her."  
  
"What your homegirl don't report to you and you suddenly drop the tough slang act? Max is fine, she's asleep." What I don't mention is how she had cried silently last night, how I had felt her body racked with sobs. Max had a dream, so painful that all I managed to discover was that no matter how far she ran, Max will always carry the scars of being raised in that hellhole. She'll always be terrified they'll go after her family. Cindy doesn't need to know, and it's not my story to tell.  
  
She laughs "My boo don't sleep."  
  
"She does now. She had a bad night, came over here. She'll be at work later." I hang the phone up.  
  
"Hey Logan."  
  
"Max. You hungry? I'm sure I could whip up something." Dark circles surround her eyes, remnants of last night's nightmare.  
  
"MMMM. this better not be a dream. I'm starving. Sorry about last night, I'm not always that much of a freak."  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about. all that happened last night was a very lucky instant on my part. Finally, somebody realized that sleeping isn't all it's cracked up to be"  
  
She flashes me a grateful smile. "What do you have? Any chicken, maybe with a high class wine?"  
  
"How about eggs and some milk."  
  
"Why do I get the feeling I'm trading down?"  
  
"Chicken and wine are for tonight. I really do hate to eat alone. perhaps you know someone who'd like to join me?"  
  
"Nope. I guess you'll just have to make do with me. Although, just warning you, I eat like a pig."  
  
"I'm sure it's a very beautiful pig."  
  
  
  
Everything needs to be perfect. She's admitted she cares, but she could still run. I can't let her. 


	9. Author Alert

Star-I sent a message to RWC, hopefully she can help you.  
  
I've dedicated chapters to people, so if you haven't made the list, I'm really sorry. The story in whole is dedicated to:  
  
Star for letting me call her Star  
  
Shadowcat for R&R this story even though she doesn't watch the show  
  
Boo for making my life more difficult (That's my baby sister)  
  
All the critics for not destroying my story. in fact the reviews have been really positive.  
  
My other friends who understand that when I'm writing, don't bug me. You don't need to see my ugly side. Also, they haven't killed me over my obsessions.  
  
All the other great writers that encouraged me to share my story.  
  
My other sister, who has helped me babysit so I have more time to write.  
  
The geniuses behind Dark Angel for giving me so many interesting characters to work with.  
  
Anybody who is still reading this.  
  
  
  
The action is coming *slowly*, and so is Lydecker's purpose. Sometimes it takes me a while to incorporate my ideas to monitor and school's such a pain in the ass. Plus you count the numberous hours I spend convincing people I'm not on drugs. Then you count my younger brothers and I have an epidemic on my hands. 


	10. ANOTHER ALERT

Jade/RWC sent me this:  
  
Ask the person if their browser is set to accept cookies. Make sure it is, tell them this: if they have cookies rejected they cannot login.  
  
  
  
Hopefully this is helpful, maybe if you disable your cookies you can login. I don't know if this is helpful.. 


	11. Daylight

Thanks to Carrie, I remembered I was writing a story. the song thing was just something I cooked up because it's been in my head all day.  
  
  
  
"Where were you?"  
  
"Normal. How many times do we have to discuss this? I live a very busy life. Now, you could learn to live with it, or you could fire my ass and lose one of your best workers. Gain a pissed off ex-employee too."  
  
"Give the girl a break." It's the second time in 24 hours Alec's stood up for me. Normal is still in awe by the presence of Monty Cora. I'm beginning to think his being here isn't that bad.  
  
He flashes me a quick grin as Normal walks by muttering. "Lemme guess. bad night, decided to sleep it off? Maybe not. You only drank the entire population of Seattle under the table." Underneath the mocking tone I catch a hint of worry,  
  
Still feeling like I could conquer the world without breaking a sweat and maybe take down White causes me to do something I wouldn't do for money or glory.  
  
"It's just a crush I'm feeling,  
  
Walking on the ceiling  
  
My whole world's upside down.  
  
It's just a crush  
  
I know it  
  
Don't know where we're going,  
  
But I like it where we are right now."  
  
"Whatever Max. You sure you're alright? I'm sure there's at least one person in Seattle with the knowledge to heal all your problems."  
  
"You hear something?"  
  
"No, but there has got to be a psychiatrist somewhere close."  
  
"Well aren't you nice. So my Boo spent all night at Wheels' place and nothing happened?" Original Cindy walks up.  
  
"How did you know where I was?"  
  
"Dogboy said he hadn't seen you so I called him. I'd like to know what happened. You say you're gonna spend the night at Joshua's crib and I dropped by to say hi. He tells me my Boo ain't been around in days. Terrified, Original Cindy drops the dime on your boy and he tells me you're SLEEPING!"  
  
I scoff casually. "I wasn't sleeping. just sorta having a catnap." My weak attempt at humor hits its mark.  
  
"Don't do it again or I'll have to lay the smackdown on your ass."  
  
"Fine mom," I stick out my tongue. Something inside me clicked last night. Instead of worrying about things that could go wrong, I've focused on the positive. Some people would call it hope. I'm not that strong yet. But I will be. 


	12. Dinner and a Dress???

Writer's block SUCKS!!!! This next part isn't great, thanks to the disappearance of my muse. maybe I should take out an ad in the paper..  
  
  
  
Dinner was uneventful, for us at least. That's not saying much. It's perfection was only marred by one phone call, between the poultry and the pie.  
  
"Hey," Logan tries to keep the annoyance out of his voice. Something the person on the other end says changes his tone. "Really? That's great. No, I'm busy. Call back later."  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you? Don't sacrifice your work for me."  
  
"Who said it was for you?"  
  
"You have other plans for tonight?"  
  
"No. Maybe that wasn't about tonight."  
  
"Tease."  
  
He grins. "Guilty."  
  
I'm not sure when it happens, but we're on the couch, sitting on either end our legs stretching towards each other. We talk about nothing and everything. This is what I need. No expectations, no limits. Just me, Logan and time.  
  
He tells me about his childhood, a rich tapestry of love, social propriety, and fun. He inherited his lack of social skills from his mother, who was born to a working family. He told me that, despite all of his aunt's attempts at raising him to be society's child, he had kept his mother's spirit strong by writing. Things that we never would have said flow from our mouths, attempting to connect us.  
  
I tell him about Eva and Jondy and the others. He listens silently, as if enthralled by my life story. Captivated at least. My eyes tear as I explain what had happened to Ben. He nods his head, showing his support quietly. He gives me the strength to admit who I am by being here.  
  
"Come here. I want to show you something." He makes his way to his bedroom. At the base of his footboard is a wooden trunk.  
  
"This is where I keep my memories." Logan pulls out a beautiful gown. "My mother's wedding dress." he states simply. "It was for my bride, but it didn't fit Valerie, something I've always been secretly happy about. It meant that there was someone out there for me."  
  
Next is a photo album. Photographs of vacations, parties and family look up at me. I sense that this isn't just a walk down memory lane for Logan. The entire time I knew him, Logan had never shown me anything about his past. It's as if he had none until he let you in. maybe I'm reading too much into this, it probably just never crossed his mind I'd be interested in it.  
  
Dawn is breaking when we finish. I feel magical, like no matter what the rest of the day holds, it'll all be alright. Love? I don't know, it's not something we were taught at Manticore, but maybe. It's something.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
for all those who remembered Lydecker's appearance, the explanation is coming.. 


	13. Trust Me Baby

The first paragraph was supposed to be with the last chapter, but it never uploaded. Damn machine. I've been really busy with school and finding out I need an operation on my eye, you know, the usual. Actually, the eye thing isn't that bad in comparison to some of the other people in the world. Can anybody guess how old I am? It's interesting to see what different people's perspective is of me. I'll tell y'all in the next chapter, as long as people review, review, review!  
  
BTW, the song is "Trust Me Baby. This Is Love" by Amanda Marshall.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Things run smoothly. Lydecker calls.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"It's me. The technician will be in town in two days."  
  
"Really? That's great."  
  
"Can you meet me?"  
  
"No, I'm busy. Call back later."  
  
We talk all night. I show her pictures and I feel closer to her than I have ever felt to anyone. She doesn't judge, just listens. I know deep down that she isn't ready. Not yet. But soon. Soon she'll learn what she means to me.  
  
"C'mon, it'll be fun." I plead. I didn't think it would be this difficult to convince Logan to come to the Crash tonight. Another singing competition, and I want him to watch. "I promise it'll be fun. You wouldn't want me to be miserable, do you?"  
  
"When you put it that way." he gives me a mischievous smile.  
  
Deep down I know that this isn't where I should be. I'm sitting at the table next to the one we sat at two day ago. Max is up next. Even from a distance I notice her nervousness. An odd thought, but no more bizarre then anything else that had occurred in the last 48 hours.  
  
The act finishes, and Max steps up to the microphone. More than one guy lets out a wolf whistle. I can hardly blame them.  
  
"Sorry boys, but I'm already taken. Well sorta." She flashes me a joking grin. "He's a little weird, but really a bad guy. I'm only kidding. Just getting my revenge. Can you believe that I had to drag him here?"  
  
"You couldn't get me to leave the house if I was banging you either."  
  
"Which is why I'm not sleeping with you." She handles it well, better then she would have a while ago, when she would have flown off the handle. Maybe I'm wrong, but she's grown from the girl I first met. "Anyways, I was shifting through his CD collection when I came across this song. It's an excellent song, plus I needed something that was easy to memorize."  
  
The audience gave an appreciative chuckle. As Max begins to sing, I'm captivated by her voice.  
  
I look at this mountain  
  
So many heart aches wide  
  
  
  
I step up to the mike, and I feel this rush of excitement. I know Logan will appreciate this song, when I heard it I thought of him. Then again, almost everything makes me think of him. I can't help but feel that the songwriter knew us. I belt it out perfectly, another advantage to genetic enhancement.  
  
  
  
I look at this mountain  
  
So many heart aches wide  
  
And I can't help but wonder  
  
Where's the other side  
  
I've got to be honest  
  
I've got my doubts  
  
These tears are asking me  
  
What's this got to do with love?  
  
Baby, I'll tell you something  
  
To help us through this long, dark night  
  
I give Logan a pointed look. He grins back. It knows the song. He should, I found it at his house.  
  
When this trouble passes over  
  
You and I will walk away  
  
Knowing that our love survived  
  
Another test of faith  
  
You and I can walk on water  
  
The river rises, we rise above  
  
It may not look that way right now  
  
But trust me, baby....this is love.  
  
Love isn't easy  
  
I'm torn, I confess  
  
when a heart is uncertain  
  
It's bound to second guess  
  
This love won't forsake us  
  
So dry your tears I promise you  
  
When this trouble passes over  
  
You and I will walk away  
  
Knowing that our love survived  
  
Another test of faith  
  
You and I can walk on water  
  
The river rises, we rise above  
  
It may not look that way right now  
  
But trust me, baby....this is love.  
  
  
  
I'm here for you baby  
  
There's nothing I want more  
  
Our day is coming  
  
And we'll reach that peaceful shore  
  
  
  
When this trouble passes over  
  
You and I will walk away  
  
Knowing that our love survived  
  
Another test of faith  
  
Cause you and I can walk on water  
  
The river rises, we rise above  
  
It may not look that was right now  
  
But trust me, baby...this is love  
  
One more mountain  
  
Hey...so what  
  
Trust me baby...this is love  
  
The crowd erupts into a frenzied applause when I step off the stage.  
  
Two sets of arms grab me from behind. "Where do you think you're going?" 


	14. Family Meeting

I'm blown away by Max's performance. I mean, I knew she was good, but I didn't realize she was that talented. I shouldn't be surprised. As she steps off the podium, I see two figures in black grab her. I immediately stand to assist her, but sit back down when I saw the captors' faces. I knew them. I had seen their faces lined with the grief of losing three siblings. The couple had stayed at my house for a week after the failed operation. It's not easy to forget those that you shared the worst pain in your life with. In profile, it's easy to note the similarities in Max and Krit's features . It's easy to believe that the same DNA was used for the pair. The comrades head towards the table.  
  
"Syl. Krit. What are you doing in Seattle?"  
  
"Not even a hello," the pretty blond teased. "Logan my dear, your manners are slipping. We were in the area and dropped by to make sure you were still breathing. Your friend Asha told us you were here with your girlfriend. We came to kick your ass for getting over our sister so quickly. Daring to take her to your," she indicates Max and I "place too. How dare you!"  
  
"Six months is a long time, considering we weren't officially together anyways."  
  
"How naïve you are Max. Logan here L-O-V-E-S you."  
  
"He CAN spell you know."  
  
"I can not!"  
  
"Than everything is alright." She laughs. I suddenly realize what I said.  
  
"Are you going to stick around for awhile? I'm sure Max would love to catch up."  
  
"We might as well." Syl glances at Krit, who's been quiet the entire conversation. "Honey, what do you think?"  
  
"Honey?' Max looks incredulous.  
  
"You think you're the only x5 with a boyfriend? Actually, if it wasn't for you we wouldn't have admitted our feelings."  
  
"I'm responsible for incest?"  
  
"It's not really incest. just because you think of us as siblings doesn't mean we see each other that way."  
  
"Relax. I was kidding. If you two wanna kick it, that's fine with me. As long as you're happy. How am I responsible exactly?"  
  
"We saw how torn up Logan was after your death. He blamed himself for you not knowing how he felt. We didn't want that to happen to us. We've learnt to drop the soldier routine and appreciate the day."  
  
"You are aware how cheesy that sounds, right?"  
  
"If they're from your unit, I doubt it."  
  
"Alec. Shut up! Guys, this is Alec. Alec, this is Syl and Krit," She catches the admiring look he gives her sister. "And she's taken. Don't even think about it."  
  
"I have too much respect for you to even consider it."  
  
"Yeah right."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
hehehe. I know I promised to tell everybody my age, but there hasn't been enough guesses. BTW, things will pick up in the next chapter, 


	15. A Broadcast

Hey, sorry it's taken so long to write more, I've been so busy it's not funny. This isn't the best, but I didn't want y'all to forget the story.  
  
Oh yeah, I loved the guesses of my age. :D 16? 17? between 20 and 30? Do you actually think I'm a good writer? I'm only 14, still an innocent baby. Lol. not that innocent, I guess. That means any smut will probably be minor *sorry Natters*  
  
Please tell me if I get too long or off character! I am so bad at introducing and manipulating personalities, it drives me nuts.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Logan better have a damn good reason for being late."  
  
"Relax Max. I'm sure loverboy just got all wrapped up in his work. The guy's got Workaholic tattooed on his forehead."  
  
"Ya think? He's not as bad as he was, but he can still get distracted. He usually calls though. He better not forget. He said something special was up."  
  
" What exactly is up?" OC gives me an evil look. "Boo, there ain't no reason to get all worked up over a late date."  
  
"This from the same one who told me that wes all foo's for not getting it on in the first place."  
  
"Ladies, ladies. Don't talk about me behind my back."  
  
"Conceited are we?" I ask innocently.  
  
"Just telling the- uhoh." Alec trails off.  
  
"Don't think you're gonna get out of this one buddy."  
  
"It's not that. Guess who just walked in. With a date? Okay, something here isn't right." His brow is furrowed. I pause, not sure if this is a ploy, but look. Lydecker, accompanied by a woman in her mid-thirties, is headed straight for my table.  
  
"You have got to be kidding me." I hiss through clenched teeth. "Hi Deck," I manage a sweetly sick smile. "What are you doing here? I thought you were leaving Seattle." Three days ago, my eyes add.  
  
"He didn't tell you?"  
  
"Who didn't tell me what?" I demand. He seems honestly surprised, not something that happens easily.  
  
"Logan. He promised he'd clear this with you."  
  
"Clear what?" I'm aggravated now.  
  
"Max, this is Lisa." He points to the woman that has remained quiet throughout the conversation. "Lisa, this is Max. Lisa worked at the base. She has a theory on how to deal with the." he trails off, but I know what he means.  
  
"Nice to meet you." I extend my hand, regarding the woman in front of me. She's tall, with shoulder length brown hair and a spunky light in her eyes. This is the woman who can cure the virus? I guess my experience with Manticore should have taught me to never judge a book by its cover. Or a scientist by her looks.  
  
"Where is Logan anyway? He said he'd be here."  
  
A feeling that something resembling friendship had sprung up between the Colonel and the man that I loved- the thought springs unbidden to my mind. The man that I love? Maybe so, but I've never admitted it, not really. I've confessed to being attracted, emotionally and sexually, but never in love. It's such a big step, something I'm not sure I can handle. But Logan's with you, reminds the voice. I'll handle it. There's nothing else I can do.  
  
"I don't know. I thought he'd forgotten. If he knew about this, I find that theory suddenly hard to believe." I move to get up, but a familiar sight on the TV makes me sit down.  
  
"This is a freedom streaming video. It cannot be traced, it cannot be stopped and it is the only free voice left in the city. Wait a minute, not anymore. Eyes Only has been causing so many problems lately in defense of the transgenics. We had to stop him. Not before we get the information we need about certain x5s though."  
  
It's White's voice. The voice of such a cold being is impossible to forget. Oh God, does he have Logan? He must, the hack looks authentic. Logan's still alive, I think. My ears catch muted struggling in the background.  
  
"Really 452. how normal do you think you are? Nice picture by the way. Now we have to be leaving. Don't bother trying to find us, we'll find you soon enough. Thanks to your boyfriend." I almost expect to hear the evil cackling and thunder, so often used in cheesy movies.  
  
Krit and Syl look up from their secluded table across the room. They pick up what's going on, part from the party's reactions and partly x5/sibling intuition. They're by my side instantly. They don't even notice Lydecker until he speaks.  
  
"What do you suggest we do?"  
  
How could he? My life was just shattered by a 30 second cable hack and he's asking what to do. He's right, you know. The voice is back. But what it says is true. Sitting won't do anything. Action will.  
  
"Syl," I give my sister a pleading look. "Do you still have your contacts?"  
  
"Naturally baby sister. Krit and I'll go see what we can get, meet you back at your place, 'kay?"  
  
I catch Original's look. I'm not going to put her in danger. "Better make that Logan's. maybe Lisa can set up a makeshift lab there."  
  
"You're not taking them on again, are you Boo?"  
  
"Cindy, I need to do this. They have Logan for God's sake. Besides, White isn't Manticore." I don't tell her exactly what he is, mainly because I'm not completely sure myself. I know the myth, but nothing else. 


End file.
